Tom, the line that struck me most deeply was your observation that children should never be recruited into adult resentment.
For me, this is not theoretical. I have lived with the consequences of a marital breakdown in which the conflict did not end when the marriage ended. It continued through the stories told to the children and, over time, became part of their inheritance.
Children should never be placed in the position of having to protect one parent, judge the other, or demonstrate loyalty by withholding love. They did not create the marriage, they did not cause its failure, and they should not be required to carry its grievances.
A parent may convince himself that he is merely telling the children “the truth.” But children rarely possess the experience, independence or access to both sides necessary to judge an adult relationship. Repetition can gradually become accepted history, and resentment can survive long after the events that produced it.
Your father’s refusal to speak badly about your mother was therefore much more than admirable restraint. It was an act of protection. He accepted the burden of his own pain rather than transferring it to his son.
That, to me, is one of the deepest themes in your essay. Parenthood is not only about what we pass on. It is also about what we possess the wisdom and discipline to prevent from being passed down.
Every generation inherits something from the one before it: character, judgment, responsibility, trust, resentment, fear. The task is not merely to preserve what deserves to survive, but to ensure that what damaged us does not become the burden of those who follow.
Perhaps one of the greatest duties of parenthood is knowing the difference between what we must teach the next generation and what, through discipline and love, must end with us.
I will because my children are still watching, my father is still teaching, my wife is still standing beside me, and there is still time to become better. ... Love this. Wisdom bro.
Tom, the line that struck me most deeply was your observation that children should never be recruited into adult resentment.
For me, this is not theoretical. I have lived with the consequences of a marital breakdown in which the conflict did not end when the marriage ended. It continued through the stories told to the children and, over time, became part of their inheritance.
Children should never be placed in the position of having to protect one parent, judge the other, or demonstrate loyalty by withholding love. They did not create the marriage, they did not cause its failure, and they should not be required to carry its grievances.
A parent may convince himself that he is merely telling the children “the truth.” But children rarely possess the experience, independence or access to both sides necessary to judge an adult relationship. Repetition can gradually become accepted history, and resentment can survive long after the events that produced it.
Your father’s refusal to speak badly about your mother was therefore much more than admirable restraint. It was an act of protection. He accepted the burden of his own pain rather than transferring it to his son.
That, to me, is one of the deepest themes in your essay. Parenthood is not only about what we pass on. It is also about what we possess the wisdom and discipline to prevent from being passed down.
Every generation inherits something from the one before it: character, judgment, responsibility, trust, resentment, fear. The task is not merely to preserve what deserves to survive, but to ensure that what damaged us does not become the burden of those who follow.
Perhaps one of the greatest duties of parenthood is knowing the difference between what we must teach the next generation and what, through discipline and love, must end with us.
I will because my children are still watching, my father is still teaching, my wife is still standing beside me, and there is still time to become better. ... Love this. Wisdom bro.
I wish every man could have that kind of depth
They might, they just have to be able to tap into it. Derek, Jen and Joanna helped me with it.